...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

slip slidin' away...

You know how some things sound better in your head than they actually turn out to be? Things like Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, letting your mom give you a perm AND talk you into some highlights at the same time (not just a bad idea, but a horrific one)(I have photos but showing you would be an equally bad idea), chicken nuggets, Shia LaBeouf, or thinking you have this really great idea for a series of books about a mopey teenage vampire and the whiny girl who falls in love with him now with more werewolves!

We all have them, these ideas that sound totally awesome as they bloom in our brain like a virus. Mine struck yesterday afternoon when the boys came charging into the house, stripping off clothes and clamoring for swim trunks. It was the first truly hot day we've had and the words "Slip" and "Slide" were being belted out at the top of their lungs as I slathered them with sunscreen.

A few minutes later, the harbinger of all summer fun was up and operational in our backyard. Oh, we have a very cool Slip and Slide, my friends. A tunnel at the end for them to pass through squirts water in a refreshing spinning arc, and my kids' peals of delight as they splashed down at the end was music to my ears. So it's surprising I was able to hear my youngest son when he came up to me, his drenched little bones bouncing beside me, and suggested that I take a turn on the Slip and Slide.

Oh, yes. Yes, he did. And because I've always been a sucker for cute boys (another thing I've found sounds better than it actually is, btw) I smiled down at him and, rather than point out the corner of the box that says this bastion of summertime fun is not intended for anyone close to my age, I fervently agreed. Because I am young and heart.

I am also, apparently, an idiot.

While informing the boys to stand down, I backed up in the yard, eyed my opponent (which, it should be noted, is barely taller than I am) and, like Evil Knievel preparing to jump Snake River Canyon on a rocket-powered motorcycle (note to all you younger readers - this happened in The Olden Days), I powered up my mental engines and prepared to marvel my cheering kids with my prowess and spirit of adventure.

We interrupt this blog post for those of you out there to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, what about that time you fell down your living room stairs and totally f'd yourself up?" and while I totally appreciate your compassion, I'm all, "What? I can't hear you. Are you saying something about how clumsy I am? Because I'm listening to these other folks over here telling me about my horrific back and how it planned to kick my ass and still, months later, reminds me who's boss."

You can see where this is going, right? Like Evil, I took off at a pretty good clip and it wasn't until I was about to toe the edge of the slippery, so very slippery Slip and Slide that my mind jumped in and screamed something about how this probably wasn't the best idea I'd ever had before getting incredibly mouthy by saying, "Though it doesn't by any means trump that whole perm and highlighting debacle of 1988, my friend, and oh, by the way, did you ever think that a product called "Slip and Slide" with the first word being "slip" which is generally considered to be a bad thing, as in 'Whoopsie! I just slipped!' wouldn't be as much fun for someone who takes up more gravitational pull in the universe than, say, your average small child for whom said product was intended?"

"Screw you, Mind!!" I yelled as I dove down and made contact - sweet, slippery contact - with the plastic deathbed that is the Slip and Slide. Oh, it was, indeed, fun. It was also refreshing and induced peals of laughter in my boys. In fact, they were laughing so loud they failed to hear me as I quietly began requesting their assistance in getting up from my death bed. So I had to keep asking. And asking. And asking. And finally yelling.

In the spirit of adventure, I totally wrecked my already fragile and bitchy right knee, and today I am writing to you while balancing my laptop on my left leg and with my right leg propped up higher than the rest of my body. It's a look that is, and I quote my Tool Man, sexy, and I would have totally kicked him in the ass for saying that, but as you can imagine, that's pretty much impossible at the moment.

It's gearing up to be another scorching day today, and the boys are already clamoring to have the Slip and Slide set back up for an afternoon of fun, but like Evil Knievel passing the baton of silly stunts off to his son, I'm leaving this day to my boys.



Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Bring out the gimp.

(Which, in this case, is you.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Didn't you learn from my Slip n' Die, uh, Slide adventures from last year that fun for kids is usually near death for us?

Can I get you a mojito? Percocet? A surgeon?

Thursday, June 18, 2009 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

Slip and Slide's are evil.

Hope you feel better.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 10:23:00 AM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

Where's the video?

Thursday, June 18, 2009 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

OH MY WORD, as I started reading this I was like "dang, I'd break a hip if I tried one of those today" and then I finished the post. Rename it the Slip & Die.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger txsjewels said...

like mom giving me that perm. i predict the slip and slide will be a one time experience. still--you rock mom.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Thankfully, my kids have not asked me to join in the slip n slide fun. I think I have them convinced that I am FRAGILE!

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

When I was in third grade, I had a Slip 'n Slide themed birthday party. My best friend, redheaded, chubby little Bridget Nolan, took her turn and halfway through her slide, hit a rock. With her skull. The party came to an abrupt halt and I haven't been back on one of those evil yellow things since. It still haunts my dreams though.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I find a kiddie pool, a freshly slushed margarita, and giving the kids the hose with a spray nozzle (to *wink wink* oh no, get mom wet with) is a much less gimpy way to get wet. :)

I hope your knee feels better soon. I give you credit- gravity scares the hell out of me. I'm too afraid of not being able to overcome it's evil pull to even look sideways at that runway of terror.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:24:00 AM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

I would have totally done the same thing...........and ended up in the same place.

Did it get you out of having to make dinner? Just askin'.....

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

i am so proud of you for doing that.

summer of YES, i will eff up my other knee for you sweet children to have a laugh at ol' mum. so proud...

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

It's amazing this "toy" is still around. You'd think with all the accidents you hear about with them, they'd have gone the way of Jarts and Tetherball.

Feel better.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap I really wish you had a video of this. And not becuase I would laugh at it (ok, maybe a little bit) but to serve as a warning for all of us over the age of say..12 to never, ever do that.

Although, I am TOTALLY impressed you did. You are a rockstar mom.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Slip 'n Slides are like horses. When you get bucked off, you have to get right back on or it will scar you for life! {*grin*}

I'm safe - my back has never recovered from that trip down the 100 foot spiral water slide. So no Slip n' Slide here.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:49:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

It's not really gravity that's the problem, and the greater wind resistance means that the downward acceleration is lower for adults than children.

It's landing that's the real culprit.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger Cameron said...

Please...next time you try a stunt like that, have a little consideration. You know, set up a video camera so we can review the events at a later time :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Oh man, ouch!
Once, as a mom, I jumped off the steps from 2 stairs up, but this was inside and I guess I forgot how tall I was, and I bashed my forehead into the wall over the doorway. Nearly knocked myself out.
Been there with the perm story, but I will learn from your slip and slide experience!

Thursday, June 18, 2009 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

You are one crazy woman. I'm glad that you do so much for us readers. I'm not so giving as to try to kill myself for a blog post. ;)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

you had me at Shia Labeouf. dude needs to GO away.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

When you are 80 you're gonna be seriously falling apart. I can hear you now, complaining about your arthritis and your bad knee and your liver spots, as you sit on your rocking chair sipping Country Time Lemonade.

Don't worry about me. I'll be dead by then.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 12:56:00 PM  
Anonymous lisa said...

Hoot! Hoot! Thank you Lord, Its winter here! well done for the Summer of saying NO! Daily, I tune in to see where it will end....

Thursday, June 18, 2009 1:05:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I remember the slip n slide! I figured they didn't make those anymore because they're kind of dangerous. This is an excellent cautionary tale...

Thursday, June 18, 2009 1:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For some reason, I am prompted to yell "Holla!" but that might just be because it was the Urban Dictionary word of the day a few mornings back.

Nevertheless, this was very well written. Too bad it's not fiction, huh?

(ps. hope that knee feels better soon! I suggest ibuprofen.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 1:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Things I used to do before finding out that bones can actually break.

Dance on tables.
Ride motorcycles with a guy I just met because I was dancing on tables.
Slip n’ Sliding while intoxicated after riding on a motorcycle with a guy I just met because I was dancing on tables.

Ahhhh to be 35 again. Kidding.

I would take this opportunity to make your peeps be your personal slaves.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 3:30:00 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

My boys were on the other day and asked me - I sadly shook my head and walked away...but I REALLY REALLLY wanted to! But glad you did so I can live vicariously through you!!

Also, Cocotte? I still maintain Jarts was the best game EVER!!! :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 4:37:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I learned this important rule when a neighborhood kid asked me if I could cartwheel....There is a certain age where putting your ass above your head is a really really bad idea.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 4:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Sam said...

I learned my lesson when the kids convinced me to go down the slide at the public pool, which is never a really good idea if you can't really swim. I'm still getting over it, and I'm sure half of the people that were there that day still can't erase the image of me, topless, from thier mind.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 6:56:00 PM  
Blogger DKC said...

I have been tempted to give the S&S a try now and again. I hope I remember this post if that urge comes up in the future!

Thursday, June 18, 2009 7:21:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

You just don't remember the good ole days of having to use the "ghetto" slip n slide that you put together with trash bags and flattened cardboard in the yard where grass didn't grow down the middle in one big strip. Because yeah, we were stupid. And today? A real slip n slide? I'd have done it too, just to say I've done it once on a real one. And I'm sure I'd be a little broken too. Good for you, mom.

Thursday, June 18, 2009 8:32:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

haha, that is awesome! I also took a turn on the slip and slide last year and realized it's not quite what it used to be...lol

Hope you feel better soon!

Thursday, June 18, 2009 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

I laughed fit to pee myself while reading this! I love your blog, if I've not mentioned it 200 times before now!

And.. oddly enough, I just finished my latest blog post, before coming to read others and mentioned Evil Knievel in it, as well. But I spelled his last name wrong. Shit.

Friday, June 19, 2009 12:16:00 AM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

sooo we broke the slip/slide out two summers ago (two!) and the grass still has a major trench in it from everyone sliding. good luck with that ;)

Friday, June 19, 2009 12:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Longtime lurker, firsttime commenter. Love your blog and this post had me laughing out loud.

Sorry about the knee. Here, have some percocet.

Friday, June 19, 2009 2:31:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

This is an excellent post.

Friday, June 19, 2009 7:35:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

hahahaha- I learned my lesson from watching my hubby do it last year andget up.....limping away

Friday, June 19, 2009 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

At the beginning of this post, I was thinking to myself I should be a cool mom like you and go buy one for my kids. Now? Not so much.

Friday, June 19, 2009 9:41:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

OH MY Gosh..that was fricken hilarious!! lol

Friday, June 19, 2009 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

Slip N Slide is a tool of the devil... Seriously. Fortunately I think you've learned your lesson :)

And if I send you my stories will you write them for me?! You are a fabulous story teller :)

Friday, June 19, 2009 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger Organic Meatbag said...

Yeah, it didn't turn out, but you did it for your kids, and I think that's cool...I know I would have ruptured something for sure if I had tried it!

Friday, June 19, 2009 1:30:00 PM  
Blogger cIII said...

See. That's why I don't fool around on those things.

Unless Grain Alcohol is involved.

Then, it's completely Awesome.

Friday, June 19, 2009 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Just scoot the hell over- I want a turn on the slip and slide......

Friday, June 19, 2009 8:49:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Being old enough to remember Evil Knievels canyon stunt, and bad 80's spiral perms, you'd have to pay me the royalties to Twilight to get me on one of those things. I'll try and hold Big Foot off from his Mid West vacation until you're well enough to run again.

Saturday, June 20, 2009 12:02:00 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Wow girl. You are certainly brave. Look at it this way... When you're 80 the kids will have an awesome story to tell. And? I bet their own kids will have some similar sort of story to tell.

It's hard to reconcile "young at heart" with "on the verge of old and decrepit." Not that I'm saying you *are* old and decrepit. I saying *I* am.

Saturday, June 20, 2009 7:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. Slip n Slide's are the shit. When I was a kid my parents made us a "slip n slide" out of tarps and garbage bags (yeah we were poor, so suck it) that was wide enough for six kids to go down, side by side. It was AWESOME! And a miracle that no one broke their neck.

Saturday, June 20, 2009 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Kids these days have it so easy with the Slip n' Slide.

When I was a kid it was just the thinnest strip of PVC with a banana shaped sprinkler to wet the whole thing down. Or my dad would get some of that black landscaping plastic and spread it out in the yard under a sprinkler that was basically some water squirting out of spinning metal blades. (Black being the optimal color for yard toys in central CA when the average summer temp hovers somewhere around 105.) That shit hurt when you went into the slide part of the Slip n' Slide procedure.

Our girls have a newfangled Slip n' Slide that inflates so they don't bruise their little knees and backs when playing on it. And a tunnel and a sun shaped sprayer. Not very badass. But last summer did my husband and I squirt baby oil on that mofo and slide on it ourselves? Yes, yes we did.

Sorry 'bout your knee, mama.

Saturday, June 20, 2009 7:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha! My husband and I thought we'd be cool and tried this last year.


Only once.

The height of jumping and landing is higher than it used to be AND I didn't used to have a couple of melons taht don't take kindly to being smashed and slid all up and down a mud slide.

Saturday, June 20, 2009 11:35:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

ok, given our similar medical histories, dispositions, and inclinations for self-destruction allow me to exhort you with all seriousness and experience to boot...

do NOT ever attempt a backyard zipline.

Sunday, June 21, 2009 5:24:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Man that sucks. Sucks that you tore yourself up and sucks that you can't have fun with a slip and slide. But your storytelling is still riveting!

Sunday, June 21, 2009 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

You know that Mr. Knievel the Elder spelled his name 'Evel', right?

I'm tempted to say something totally unsupportive, like, anyone over 40 who attempts the Slip-n-Slide gets what she deserves. But I'm just not that kind of a hardass, and besides, I hold you in too much affection for that. . .

Hope yer knee isn't TOO awfully screwed up. . .

Sunday, June 21, 2009 7:54:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

Ouch! I hope you recover quickly!

My husband suggested buying our offspring a Slip and Slide. I pointed out that we already have a neighborhood pool that we pay for every month as part of our homeowner's association fees. He dropped the subject. Thank gawd.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 10:12:00 AM  

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